why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness

Thich Nhat Hanh, The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching (1998), NY: Broadway Books. They start avoiding sensitive topics, constructive feedback, frustrations, and conflictual tensions in the relationship in order to avoid hurting each other. It can be humbling to realize youre not responsible for everything. The material of this web site is provided for informational purposes only. Scribe Publications. Success is staying with them while they cry. I have always been a people pleaser. Many of life's difficulties are out of your control. That does not mean being oblivious to their hurt. Once you cease to create your own suffering, you are more likely to live a good life, one in harmony with your deepest values and. What I wonder is if you know of any literature I could read to support me in making the small incremental changes you mention above? trustworthy health information: verify Hugs! Tell her she is responsible for her own happiness. When our daughter argues with her, I get triggered and upset. As a result I've always been a little extra "sensitive" to people's moods, and behaviors. It doesnt matter whether youve read Judgment Detox, youre in the middle of it or you havent started it yet. It makes us tense, lacking in joy, and overcommitted, because we likely feel we need to fix everything as well. You dont need to feel guilty about a single one. T = Take charge and make the decision to change. Research shows that when you make the conscious decision to change, you are more likely to be successful. There is a lot of suffering in life. Why cant I? Everyone else seems just fine but me.. This does of course not help him nor me. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! Please don't give up! It means living in alignment with the way the world is rather than according to a false belief likely planted in your mind as a child. Any suggestions? Its so cold in here. I wish he would understand how much I need some time alone right now.. I only recommend products and brands I passionately believe in, but wanted you to know that when I make a recommendation, I may receive a referral fee. Feeling and dealing with your pain directly builds character, integrity, self-respect, and confidence. Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. consistent on your spiritual path. Misery-Maker 4: Blaming yourself for things you can't control. From a selfish perspective, it's awfully difficult to remain happy when those around us are not. Mom wants her room to be over 80 degrees most of the time. My family is my strength in hard times. Oh, now I see what I need to do in the future. Ill look at this as a challenge rather than as a problem. This self-talk will help you develop a growth mindset, to use the phrase of researcher Carol Dweck. I include some resources around addiction recovery in this postand at the bottom of this post. He worryingly scanned his wifes face and whispered, Well, actually, 2 out of 10.. 11 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 1 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Jumpstart Coaching Lab: Want to know the difference between success or failure as a financial professional? Hi! After I got out on my own, that went away and I believe it was due to getting out of the depressed household of my parents. You feel ashamed or fearful when you make a mistake. A walk, meditate, paint your nailssomething. Is it? Instead, find a way to hold on to yourself as your loved one is meeting their personal woes. Modern culture encourages us to think that we are free, independent agents. Almost there! You can't change them. P.S. Leading a couch-potato life. Others arent always happy because thats just the way life is. Don't even think about either outcome. Accepting others where they are and forgiving them doesnt mean that you let someone walk all over you. Give them the chance to experience exactly what they need to experience, and dont be afraid of it. How to Stop the Misery: Change it and you language to I language. How much effort and energy will I have to invest in cheering them up or asking for forgiveness? Over time, such mental effort can lead you to start avoiding your partner, since you already have enough on your plate. Is it? Important note: If you are in an abusive relationship, visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline online or call 18007997233 or TTY 18007873224. Passionate marriage: Keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships. Someone made you have to hone in on their feelings early in life, to stay safe..and you were trained to know if you do not make them feel better..you will somehow suffer..or be blamed or feel more pain. For the most part, you cant control the actions of other adults, though you may have influence. You are not responsible for the way your partner feels. Are you causing your own suffering? The minute we take that on and begin to think we are is the minute we start to self-destruct little by little. Dad was a wonderful man, and I was happy to help. Misery-Maker 7: Comparing yourself to others. When youre experiencing beautiful shifts and miracles, you often want to help others. Family, friends, people from the village, everyone is here. Do you really believe youre in charge and that your worry can change anything? Happiness is an individual responsibility. SHE is the queen and should be chauffeured around, yada yada. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. People to stand in helpless vigil to our pain.Glennon Doyle. To his surprise, his wife wasnt insulted but rather released a deep, spontaneous laugh. Are your worries completely justified? Feeling responsible for others' happiness is a complex relationship of interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. One of the practices is a beautiful prayer that will help you release the desire to fix someone or be responsible for their happiness. The idea is to use the letters in STOP to remind you how to STOP your own self-caused suffering: S = See what you are doing to yourself. Just recognizing that you are hurting yourself is a big step forward. My parents are in a nursing facility. Make her take responsibility for her own health. spirituality. by: E.B. Hi Todd. Use compassion to tame your inner critic and remind yourself that its okay to have these emotions. You might think this is only a problem for people with very low self-esteem. Youll feel immediate relief. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? Just let the drama go in one ear and out the other, and look into placing her into a senior apartment building where she'll have NO EXCUSE not to entertain herself. My family will witness the joy and Divine Heavens, which no man, were they to glimpse just a taste of what it promises, would turn their back on this pure happiness in My Father's Kingdom. Find her on her website, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. His therapist has been trying to get him to understand that he can't be responsible for anyone else's emotions or happiness and he's interpreted it to mean he's free to do and say whatever he wants without consideration of how his actions are affecting others. That led to a brain tumor diagnosis and placement for both of them in an Assisted Living Facility. I feel all their problems are because of me and I am worthless and cannot ever do anything to repay for what they are doing for me. May you be happy, well, and safe always. PostedAugust 22, 2019 Replace your thoughts with more realistic ones that help you internalize the fact that you cant be fully responsible for someone elses happiness and that worrying wont change this. The main consequence of such a core belief is that it keeps you reactive in your intimate relationships. Examples: There was a fiery crash on the interstate. Take a deep breath and focus in on actions and activities that will improve your life. Pause for a moment and look back at the last week. She delivers workshops for all ages and provides online and in-person mental health education for youth. It's time that we fix a flaw in our mental health model: its denial of personal responsibility. By studying actual data on happiness, I found out that these are the biggest factors responsible for my happiness: Love Exercising Relaxing Career Friends Family Sleep Hobbies Traveling Health This article will show you exactly why and how I've determined these factors as the biggest influence on my happiness. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. You depend on all sorts of causes and conditions, just like a tree depends on a seed, water, and nutrients to grow. You do not have the right to engage in actions that will bring sorrow to your family. Hi Laurel, Not something anyone can go to Amazon and just buy. Your self-talk is not the truthit's "just thoughts.". She hates everybody and has no friends, even though she acts so lovey dovey to everyone's face. Caring for others is a character strength. Then we suffer if we cant. That is unavoidable and natural. Get personalized guidance from a dedicated local advisor. I just need a few things to get you going. It is such a common pattern of thinking, feeling, and doing, and you're right - it causes problems. spirituality, Gut Health: My Experience with SIBO, Gut Inflammation, GERD and Stress, Blogs We need more space than other people. And for the most powerful antidote to social comparison, try this: gratitude. featured :), My anxiety triggered from a bully in authority I don't remember a lot of what he said but I remember saying over and over again to stop mind-messing me and you don't know who I am hours of this went on I have never been the same so much of the past which was locked tightly away the flood gates were open and I don't know how to close the gates I try for help but I'm so mixed up no one seems to know how to help me I am giving up and letting myself fall through the cracks of the system I'm too tired the battle within my brain wins this time. Notice when you are catering to the needs of others. The books listed below helped me so much with what you are talking about. I can do everything my husband might want as he wants it done and he can still choose to be unhappy, or he may have underlying depression or anxiety. This friend was going through a tough time, and when my friend left, she felt this heavy weight on her. Just let them meet themselves. Example [ extreme] you have the right to use drugs because you think it makes you happy. Tanya is a Diplomate of the American Institution of Stress helping to educate others about stress and provide useful tools for handling it well in order to live a healthy and vibrant life. Is it possible to break this cycle later in life? It often begins innocently enough: for myriad reasons, we care, and we want others to be happy. I'm an only child, too (at 62 years old, for petesake), and my mother has made me the focus of her entire life, calling it 'love' and 'caring'. And all the rest of the BS 24/7. Each person is responsible for his/her inner contentment and happiness. My parents have lived in this small town for over 40 years and she has no friends (doesn't want any), no hobbies, no church or other group affiliation, no family, just me. Responsibility pie chart. When we invite spirit in through prayer we return to our right mind and find acceptance. How to Stop Taking Responsibility for Others' Happiness, HealthyPlace. How did it arrive in your hands? With the first one, you have empathy and are kind to those in your life, but you know that you can't make them happy at their core. Now I feel those shackles back on me. Only stick around and engage with her when she's being nice to you. It is okay for you to make yourself and your life your first priority. You need to work on setting boundaries and when she starts that crap, leave the room and quit taking it. Keep in mind, this is all before they even turned 80, so not talking about super-aged here. Your mother is clinging onto her best option, irrespective of the fact that it is crushing you. What do you have control over? Get an easy-to-understand breakdown of services and fees. We need more complexity and more depth. Having a vivid imagination is such a wonderful thingexcept when it isnt. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. She shared that she felt it was a 2 when he said his original 8, and she was actually glad that he admitted openly what she (and I) clearly sensed. We do everything we can think of to make sure others are happy. Read On! The only person you can truly change is yourself and how you deal with the abuse they dish out. Having grown up in a family where it was ' my job' to keep my mother contented, I am finally calling her out on it. You are responsible FOR your words, choices, dreams, feelings and TO him. It's a great pleasure and happiness to feel their support, even if they are not near me. So, you cannot be responsible for everyone and everything. In the last week or so I have begun to sound like a broken record because I just keep saying ' this is not my responsibility - it is yours.' I have felt responsible for my moms happiness due to guilt and after she passed feel responsible for her death. I don't want to take care of my mother anymore but I don't want to put her in a home. I identify with this a lot, and it has come to the point where it is starting to cause problems in my relationship. Use your newly forming beliefs to shift your actions away from people-pleasing and more toward people-supporting (and you are a people to support, too). After all, arent friends and loved ones supposed to support each other? 0-3 If you have said 'yes' to less than three you are probably separated enough and do not have too many feelings of guilt or responsibility towards your parents' happiness. If you can stay grounded and not retreat and apologize for what you just said, over time your partner may return to this topic with a question or may wish to share his or her own hurt on this matter. People to sit quietly and hold space for us. You may feel responsible for other people's happiness and/or health. sidebar Your local library might have this book, as she's so well-known. 2. Examples: Why do you always say the wrong thing? Why cant you lose weight? Whats wrong with you?, No, its not your worst enemy saying that; its your own critical inner voice. Looking for suggestions. 5. However, it can easily morph into something unhealthy, where rather than wanting to contribute to others happiness and wellbeing, we find ourselves being people-pleasers in order to make them happy. If needed, you can always come back to this topic later. These two resources might help. Photo by Luke Pennystan on Unsplash. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. You want to help them find the solution, make smart choices and see the light. Mostly because the peace is not really there in the first place. Yes, I still feel responsible for my ex's happiness. When someone is selfish, they care about themselves and don't have regard for others (this borders on narcissism, but narcissism involves other traits as well). You can speak up for yourself. My husband is very social and we have a big group of friends. One you can do. It's so upsetting that they try to resolve the negative feelings and problems of people close to them. Emotional validation is distinguished from emotional invalidation when a person's emotional experiences are rejected, ignored, or judged. It Provides Me with Support. It's natural to want happiness for your loved ones and hate to see them suffer. Sometimes it's easier to blame yourself for a problem than to accept that the situation was never within your control. What can I do? I like the way this idea is expressed in The Four Noble Truths of Buddhism. Misery-Maker 5: Blaming other people and situations for things you can control or passively accepting what you could change. Get personalized guidance from a dedicated local advisor. You have to stop doing what you are doing that makes this her best option. Please check your inbox and confirm your subscription. Whether you broke your partner's favorite pen, forgot an important. This is something that has been on my mind lately as Ive seen new readers discover my bookJudgment Detoxand begin to lovingly witness their own judgment and heal it. I'm living with a man right now, and I'm driving him crazy, because he says I don't "live" in the house with him. Give it a try. You're sensitive and compassionate. You are not responsible for the way your partner feels. Things can always be worse. We may know that life is better, easier, and less lonely when we were with each other, except when it isn't. At those times, it is tempting to assume . I also share some resources for anxiety and mental health in this post. When you don't let yourself become anxious and stressed trying to make sure that everyone is happy but are still kind, you are caring about yourself and about others. I am also working with a therapist. My parents moved down the street from me 15 years ago. I'm a senior care specialist trained to match you with the care option that is best for you. Such a process helps couples cut the symbiotic umbilical cord between them and dare to share their pain honestly, with no avoidance or censorship, and even without the need to solve or protect their spouse. I am caretaker and my parents (and I) are in a health crisis. You cant be responsible for everything because you are not autonomous. If your plan doesnt work, see a therapist or check yourself into a program that can help you quit your self-destructive habit. Find me on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, and Pinterest. 1. Another ingredient is patience, because the process takes time! In the last year I have had many an some very serious reasons to worry about an try to help family members. I always have a dark cloud looming over my shoulder :( When I was a teenager I suffered from depression. (I think its because I grew up with a loving father, who had massive mood swings, but he could be charmed out of them - My sister would cry, my brother would more often than not, be the target, but I was the one who could alwyas talk/joke him down.) Responsibility allows you to create principles, morals and helps you to lead your life. The painful memory crossed Grandmother's face. My mental health novels, including one about severe anxiety, are here. Hi! Try to think about the situation objectively - divide the circle into a 'responsibility' pie chart, apportioning responsibility for the situation between you, other people and external . As common as this is, there isn't a lot of literature dedicated specifically to this topic. I can't handle this on my own. You are responsible for no onew happiness except your own. Use Life Itself to Dissolve Your Identity, What Eckhart Tolle Gets Wrong About Karma. When you change your thoughts and feelings about another person, you change your energy toward them. How to Stop the Misery: Instead of comparing your situation to that of others, make your own life as good as possible. I hope the book is helpful. All these typical situations are within your circle of control, at least partially if not completely. Am I just completely misunderstanding? Rich people in idillic enviable lives can be depressed, as proven by the not too unusual celebrity overdose or suicide. (he's in a pretty dark place right now, I'm employed, he's not). The more you repeat a new behavior, the more habitual it will become. My mom will call me and say "Are you out with your FRIENDS? She led a study about . Well, I don't HAVE any friends! If a child knows that he or she can truly tell Mom and Dad anything and still be accepted and loved, then that child is more . This is something I see come up all the time with people who are on a path of spiritual and personal growth Ive done it too. Behind their backs it's another story entirely. She is not going to change this while this stays true. spirituality, Blogs Your mom is using it to control you and make you feel guilty for the way She is and for Her situation. Its the same for everyone else too. Youll naturally feel greater altruism, kindness, and compassion too. How to Stop the Misery: Notice when you blame yourself. 2023 HealthyPlace Inc. All Rights Reserved. Your family members are lucky to have you. Not taking responsibility for someone's happiness is much different that not caring about others' feelings, thoughts, etc. Talk to her MD about her destructive behavior and see if he can't give her an antidepressant. Understanding the complex, interdependent quality of our relationships with ourselves, others, and the world, can help you let go of feeling youre responsible for everyone and everything. I am their POA. For example, he no longer feels any need to rebuild trust after an emotional affair because he feels it's not his job. Curious? She needs to go to the roots of her unhappiness and change her thinking. How much time did it waste away? She also felt inadequate because she couldnt solve her friends problems. Dad had 3 back-to-back car accidents and could no longer drive; mom, of course, refused to do the driving, why should she, after all? I used to think that at some point my parents would wake up and realize what they had been doing to me. Nor do you have any control over his job frustrations. Unless you are writing a novel or a screenplay, using your imagination to spin tales that are outrageous, hurtful, or even horrifying can be harmful to your sanity and peace of mind. Your best interests are not top of her priority list! A like-minded woman who empowers . I am now having anxiety attacks worrying about them an trying to figure out how to help them. I help deep thinking, heart-centered spirits find greater ease emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Feeling as though we have sole responsibility for others happiness causes anxiety. People who are highly sensitive, caring individuals naturally want the people in their lives to be happy, to experience wellbeing. But its not helpful, kind or loving to try to impose change on anyone. This process can lead you to a more aware partnership, which is less reactive and symbiotic and more authentic and differentiated.