it's been 9 months since you passed away it's been 9 months since you passed away

I know the biggest star in the sky that is shining the most is you. Forgive yourself. (His name was Jackie) I have not had one good day. I had been married to him since I was 16 years old. Thank you all who have shared their stories here. Required fields are marked *. I wish I could believe it is going to be ok but I dont feel that way. With over 18 stays in the hospital and 29 procedures to keep her liver going. I too lost a beloved Uncle in May 2020, not from Covid19, quite suddenly. I just feel blessed that he loved me that much! Im grateful to have found a place to share our stories and grieve together. I hope you have survived you thoughts of taking you life. I lightly recommend this only as I am just starting to read it myself. Every day I beat myself up thinking about what I should have and could have done to help her in her passing. He is the best person to talk to. Him and I were very close. She was my heart, my everything. If I were writing a book for mourners, thats how Id likely end it: Your dearly departed would want nothing less for you! So far, however, figuring out how to even begin thinking like that just seems way too hard and complicated. I look back and I see I am better, but not altogether well. I have forgotten all his faults which irritated me and as others say, would love to put my arms around him, welcome him home, massage his feet etc. I lost my husband of 43 years on June 2016, on our sons 24th birthday. When I left there somethnig came over me and I knew what happened there was WAY bigger than anything I could have imagined. I am doing new and different things to try and have a life, i enjoy these pursuits for a while, but everything seems so pointless when i return to our empty home, and the indescribable loneliness. Hi Sharon We know we loved each other so much but this terrible addiction to everything away including her now. Many have been let down by those around them therefore turning to an animal for unconditional love and company and as a confidante. Im not suicidal, but I really dont care if I go on living, or not. My oldest daughter invited use all and her boyfriend to have Xmas dinner at hers. He thought he had a muscle spasm under his shoulder blade, I ask him are you sure your chest doesnt hurt, your arm. And all you can do is float. I decided that Wichita was not for me. I am do sorry, please know you are not alone! He battled stage 4 lung cancer (also never smoked) for 7 1/2 years. Not up and down but flat and down. I just dont want to do anything. I can tell you the only thing that keeps me going day to day is not wanting my children or loved ones left behind to feel how I feel right now. My other children are adults but they thought they lost their mom along with their brother because I was not there emotionally. wishing id been around more. So, I have been praying that God tell Mike that I am sorry and that I love him and miss him soooo much! I feel so guilty that Im not crying everyday now. I was her carer at home till she passed away and now I am broken hearted and dont know what to do. I find this second year a lot worse than the first. I know exactly what you mean. Dont blame yourself please. No he said and as he sat on the chair with his head on my chest and me rubbing his back he looked up at me and said well maybe it is my heart and took his last breath. Of course, other times the pain is raw and I can not imagine going forward without her. Amber whatever you do.dont blame yourself no one knows how they would respond in a traumatic situation. I cant remember last Thanksgiving or Christmas but I made it. I know I will have to carry this pain around until I die too, because it will never ease. He passed away on July 27 2018. I thought that after two years it wouldnt be so hard. Similar to your situation I bottle all my emotions inside of me, deep deep down because I didnt know how to cope with his loss. Ive had the best and no one can take his place. I have days of no energy or ambition. My throat always feels like Ive swallowed a big gobstopper. Never to forget what you hadnever, never, never! How can we possibly ever recover. I kept to dog and she has helped but is also a reminder of what Ive lost. Good luch everyone.. I sometimes now find it hard to walk down a street that holds. So much loss for them too. TERRI..It is 13 months and 20 days since my soul mate died..yesterday in work I felt truly happy for the first time since he died..it is 10pm today and the whole day has bee one of the worst..I have two dogs so I hide away ..put my head down on my arms and cry so they cant hear me.I work full time so am OK in work but I am so lonely without him..my children are interstate..along with my bestie of 50 years.I have no close friends outside of work..I make an effort to go out and socialize but am surrounded by couples..so come home as I miss him even more..if it werent for my two dogs I wouldnt be hereI dont know how much longer I can live live thisI have told no ome else how close I am to ending my own life..this lasses but right now the urge is overwhelming me..thanks for reading..if you doI am writing to you as you have the most recent post.. Ann.. I gave up everything of my old life when I came home and I dont regret a minute of it but now I feel so lost. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but youll come out. This effect makes it look like your fingernails, toenails and hair grew longer since you passed away. I guess we are never really prepared for the death of a loved one. For everyone concerned. It seems I put so much of me into trying to get through the first year for our adult children, somehow the pain of the second year is catching me off guard. Dont be afraid of it, embrace it. I long everyday for my husband. I cant say I know how you feel for every bereavement is utterly personal, but when I mentioned to my brother that I was crying so much and surprised at myself (not being a great crier) he said Well you cant just shrug off 45 years of togetherness can you? Theyre trying to get there as fast as they can. i have so little motivation to work. The holidays are going to be a struggle this year I am finding out. They are blessings. I hate that people talk about it as a loss like divorce or getting laid off. Theres a spot right around where my heart is that just aches and aches and aches. This helped me a lot. His last two years were integral to my healing as he told me many times not to get stuck and to go on living a full, wonderful life. First created in 1917 when the U.S. was entering World War I, the debt ceiling has been raised by Congress (and occasionally the president, when authorized to do so by Congress) dozens of times since then. I was ok for awhile but all the sudden its hitting me like a brick wall. There was just my brother and I and he was a great guy, down to earth, great sense of humour, a very kind man and I loved him very much and miss him a lot and yet as mentioned I am not on my own. That I was doing the things one does to deal with grief. There is no comfort or happiness for awhile and then the first time you find your self laugh at something you feel guilty. They're what's come to be known as long-haulers in a pandemic that's killing about 2,500 Americans a day as case numbers soar from coast to coast. The second year was just as difficult but, for different reasons. People say that when a door closes, God gives us a window. Which really helped. I am in a grievance class hoping it will help. Scars are a testament to life. Blessings to you all and I pray that your suffering is eased a little each day and replaced with memories and blessings of joy. im old hahahaha We did not have any children its just me & my 4 dogs & other pets that we both adored. Im living for him as well. There is always an emptyness in my heart. I dont know. Im trying. For a long time, fear of dropping the ball was governing my life. Never had a negative The little things that you wished you would have done more often, the I love yous you didnt say enough, even the Im sorry, just being able to hold them again, to have them come home. But, I had to stop after his death & I was sick. My life feels now like I am walking on a tightrope carrying a boulder in my arms. I am the same. This is the second year, and as it got near to his birthdate, it hurts just as badly as last year, if not worse. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. She died gradually. Do I wont to be in a realationship again. I feel so alone and lost. I have not hit 2 years yet. i feel so much for you all > I lost my husband after being married 50 years . All the best to all of you. I loved her so very much and nothing in life has hurt as bad as losing her and the feelings of guilt and believing I murdered her no matter what anyone says. 1st 6 months was a blur whilst I navigated other peoples concern and my childs own grief. I know Dan will offer a prayer for all our lost loved ones. i should have died not him he was extremely known birdwatcher with so much energy went all over the world I let him go I said be happy do what you want to be happy had more energy than I did walked dogs twice a daytil he died all organs died thar weekend toxic shock pneumonia was in all organs toxic shock syndrome pneumonia was throughout all his body got cancer from 1996 toxic water from crestwood ill water by mayor to make money let water combine with waste from the dry cleaners there had cancer 17 years of cancer. I was always even keeled but now experience such unusual highs and lows. My husband passed 2.5 years ago leaving myself and my 6 young children devastated. I had no idea grief would be like this and encourage all couples and families to discuss dying and be prepared as much as you can be for death to be a part of your life. Two and a half years since my heart left. He died in hospice and seeing him in a comma 9 days, and finally passing on still plays in my mind. We are all torn apart. He did have some medical issues but he pulled through all of them and then suddenly passed. Hang in there. To have some exchange to feel better or to go forward. Thank you to everyone who has posted. Holly, Im working towards my PhD in Holistic health & nutrition, I run every day to keep depression at bay, practice yoga, lift weights, take walks, & I appreciate & thank God for good memories we had shared & the little beautiful moments I may experience each day, like a colorful sunset from my window or a whistling bird outside. Holly, I lost my wife early last year. Its as though this process is starting all over again after what I thought was some serious progress. Maybe someone else's grief doesn't affect you in the same way or much at all. Its horrific. There are no words to describe the pain! I have given up everything I use to love to do. Hello everyone its sad what we all have been through but Im glad for a group like this to share our pain since we all have lost someone we love. No matter what and how I try nothing really matters. It felt so good. I feel the same. See a translation. Nothing has ever hurt so much and felt so hopeless. A lot of us are going through the same exact thing you are going through. I went thru it. I am very active in my church have lovely friends and family but they are busy caring for their own lives. Some days are better than others. I still think of him every day even though I am dating a wonderful man. Its been a year and 5 months since I lost my husband. I was married 63 years and took care of my husband for his last 2 years. Also. Ill always miss him. But you know what just like people say theres always a light at the end of the tunnel. The second year was painful that my wife of 28 years was not experiencing trips I was taking or vacations with our daughters. I deal with people daily and do not like my job. There are times when sheer terror for my future without her just paralyzes me. visitors from Search Engine (by keyword) Days and feel so alone at times afraid to speak of my grief people telling me I should be fine. I pray the memories of her life will last forever. The third year I thought everything was fine. I was hyper vigilant about every little thing; trying to hold on tight and control everything to keep from going under.