Toothpicks? "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. ", 122. Well, we know what they want. ", 23. "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. ", 60. ", 67. ", 10. Change), You are commenting using your Twitter account. This cookie allows the website to identify a user and provide enhanced functionality and personalisation. Enter your email address to follow Motley News. It also helps for marketing automation solution for B2B marketers to track customers through all phases of buying cycle. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. I don't have to tell you my favorite comedian just like I don't have to say my favorite meal to tell the chef his food sucks. You don't. You have no choice. That is against their interests. '""The difference between left and right of centeroriginated in the Frenchparliament. It creates a hostile work environment. George Carlin, The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin, May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin, The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin, Scratch any cynic, and you will find a disappointed idealist. George Carlin, I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. "I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the s**t out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker. As politicians and social media commentators weighed in on . ", 42. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.". September 12, 2019. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. George Carlin, I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimers disease where they slowly began to recover other peoples lost memories. George Carlin, When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. the fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big, red, white, and blue dick thats being jammed up their assholes every day., This video is completely devastating for Trump. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. "Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. Hes all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just cant handle money! George Carlin, Thats why they call it the American Dreambecause you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin, Religion is like a pair of shoes..Find one that fits for you, but dont make me wear your shoes. George Carlin, He and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly. George Carlin, I do this real moron thing, and its called thinking. 27 Feb 2023 13:57:17 This country is full of nitwits and assholes. Now, some people like to twist that around. They own you. This narrative is based on a deliberate fiction. Recorded on November 5, 2005, Beacon Theater, New York City, New York. I think the life cycle is all backwards. They dont give a fuck about you. "It helps to remember this.. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Lobbying, to get what they want. May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008. "Boy, these conservatives are really something, arent they? The video featured audio from George's Wake Up America bit combined with imagery of events and people in today's society. "There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Everything He ever makesdies. George Carlin, The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. The embattled gay representative has denied his drag persona, but these three performers have embraced her with comedic flair! Maybe something else sucks around here like, the public. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. And if they tell you youre not a team player, congratulate them on being observant. George Carlin. George Carlin. "Life is not measured by the number of breath we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ""These days many politicians are demanding change. The domain of this cookie is owned by Nielsen. Carlin, who was known for spewing critical rhetoric against the government, organized religion and big business, first delivered the quote during his 2005 HBO comedy special, Life Is Worth Losing. It will not be with jack-boots. Everybody complains about politicians. Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. ""Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field waving their pricks at one another. This cookie store anonymous user idnetifier to determine whether a visitor had visited before, or if its a new visit. Fascism won it. Scorecard Research sets this cookie for browser behaviour research. #AmericaWakeUp. They don't want to hear from you . School officials told the couple that they present an inherent harm to kids.. Amen and Awomen. ", 95. Theyre not interested in that. "Religion is like a pair of shoes: Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. By clicking Accept, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. George Carlin. You ever notice that? This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. ", 22. 28. r/antiwork. Join. "Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me. The _omappvp cookie is set to distinguish new and returning users and is used in conjunction with _omappvs cookie. Nobeody seems to care. It seems only right. "I have certain rules I live by. ", 10. Believe me, my friend. The _ga cookie, installed by Google Analytics, calculates visitor, session and campaign data and also keeps track of site usage for the site's analytics report. In the clip, Carlin says the pro-life movement isnt pro-life at all. Bluekai uses this cookie to build an anonymous user profile with data like the user's online behaviour and interests. This ensures that the cookie consent box will not be presented again upon re-entry. This cookie is associated with Django web development platform for python. You have owners. What do you get at the end of it? "Never argue with an idiot. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. Petras said shes glad the industry is finally catching on to her talent. Amazon Pay uses this cookie to maintain a "session" that spans multiple days and beyond reboots. If he wants to just lecture with his opinions then he gets lectured back with other peoples opinions. Never join a group that has a name. The challenge is to find it. George Carlin, What if there were no hypothetical questions? George Carlin, The planet is fine. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating and you finish off as an orgasm. George Carlin, I dont have pet peeves I have major psychotic fucking hatreds. George Carlin, Some people see the glass half full. Full transcript of George Carlin's "Dumb Americans," excerpted from "Life is Worth Losing, his 13th live comedy stand-up special, performed at the Beacon Theatre in New York City for HBO. What if puberty blockers are a kind of sex crime? The Onions fictional editor board asked in a mockery of The Times concern-trolling on trans issues. "He and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever f**k things up this badly. I recall many years ago, when he was guest-hosting the Tonight show, George Carlin having a somewhat strained political conversation with the comedian Shelley Winters. ", 21. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. "I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. The fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white, and blue dick thats being jammed up their assholes every day, because the owners of this country know the truth: Its call the Amercian Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it., RIP George Carlin. On July 26, a 2-minute video created by Pattern Integrity Films was published on YouTube, and it quickly took off via social media. "In America, anyone can become president. An old clip of George Carlin is gaining new life after this week's reports from the Supreme Court on abortion. MediaMath sets this cookie to avoid the same ads from being shown repeatedly and for relevant advertising. Then youre just what theyre looking for. They own everything. Whenever some boomer try's to lecture you about how their first job in the 60s they only made $3 an hour, just remember, $3 in 1969 had the equivalent buying power as $25.01 today. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. How do school teachers handle this? "What if there were no hypothetical questions? Issued by Microsoft's ASP.NET Application, this cookie stores session data during a user's website visit. Carlin also said conservatives claim theyll do anything for the unborn. "Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. The Monday night crucifixions! This Cookie is used by Yahoo to anonymously store data related to user's visits, such as the number of visits, average time spent on the website and what pages have been loaded. 44. They own all the important land. F*ck Hope. So I don't trust none of them. I took his shoes. "My advice: just keep moving straight ahead. He saw it from a . "I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' Carlin is funny as hell. Everybody says they suck. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. They dont fall out of the sky. ", 111. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors. ", 109. And apparently, I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. This cookie is used by PwC to track individual visitors and their use of site. '", 78. '", 123. They will do anything for the unborn. The 2023 theme was "cooperation in a fragmented world," with WEF noting, "The world today is at a critical inflection point. ", George Carlin's acerbic wit and profound societal insights were a one time cultural phenomenon. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses, and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. "It's never just a game when you're winning. January graduated with an English and Literature degree from Columbia University. they don't wanna know about you. No neonatal care, no daycare, no Head Start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. This cookie is used to track the behavior of a user within the current session. He has written many books full of brutally honest sayings and jokes, like Brain Droppings, When Will Jesus Bring the Porkchops?, Last Words, and more. Ice Cube added the brief caption, "Facts.". They own everything. "Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? This cookie is set by the provider The Guardian. They dont care about you at all. So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people, in order to move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. ", 30. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' "Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to f**k.", 71. "Things you never hear: 'Please stop sucking my d**k or I'll call the police. That's what the owners count on; the fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick that's being jammed up their assholes everyday. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying. This cookie is used to collect data on user behaviour and interaction to make advertisement on the website more relevant. "I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. You only get to hear cats. It takes up a lot of your time. At all. Its you. ", 103. No neonatal care, no daycare, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. "Maybe its not the politicians who suck; maybe its something else. It was during the waning of the Nixon years, where confidence in government was beginning its slide down to the Stygian depths where it rests today; the Vietnam War, and racial unrest, continued to rage on. AddThis sets this cookie to ensure that the updated count is seen when one shares a page and returns to it, before the share count cache is updated. Now one of his most famous routines has swept the internet a dozen years after his death. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZijLQGH1v0 No, wait, hold on . To me, war is a lot of prick-waving! The cookie is a session cookies and is deleted when all the browser windows are closed. A provocative new photo shoot has the trolls losing their minds alongside the likes of Noel Gallagher, Bob Geldof, and Azealia Banks. Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits. Its a subconscious need to project the penis into other peoples affairs. The Great George Carlin. The __qca cookie is associated with Quantcast. "Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. ""The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. I like people who buck the system. You have owners. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. "Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. This cookie is used for identifying the geographical location by country of the user. "It's called the American dream . "Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? "I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. '", 70. 2. "Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. If youre offended by foul language dont watch this f**king video. "Don't give your money to the church. Yeah, the public sucks. Thell get it all from you sooner or later cause they own this fuckin place. That doesnt help them. StackAdapt sets this cookie as a Random Identifier for user identification, to display relevant advertisements. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. "When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foots hands. You dont. Others see it half empty. The late George Carlin was a genius with words, a deft dasher of conventional logic, and a master observer (and master-baiter!) And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. George Carlin, Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. George Carlin, Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. George Carlin, Men are from Earth; women are from Earth. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. George Carlin. Thats the problem. George Carlin, I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. George Carlin, Governments dont want a population capable of critical thinking; theywant obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation. George Carlin, How can He be perfect? George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing George Carlin told us about the Corona panic years ago Ryan Davis 3.5M views 2 years ago Joe Rogan | George Carlin's Lost 9/11 Special JRE Clips 2.6M. The stand up comic was an artist who did more than articulate the public's subconscious; he embodied America's intellectual counter culture and provided sanctuary from the crisis of modernity. This cookie is native to PHP applications. "I think people shouldbe allowed to do what they want. The v1st cookie is set by TripAdvisor to collect details about how visitors use the website, by displaying user reviews, awards and information received on the TripAdvisor community. The late great stand-up, actor and occasional philosopher George Carlin was known to cross the lines of what polite society would call good taste, but he himself drew a few lines when it came. This cookie is set by Eloqua. "People are wonderful one at a time. Being woke, leading the charge in cancel culture, fighting censorship, and supporting those who are vulnerable and don't have a voice. - Arthur Baer. The legendary comic, who died in 2008 at the age of 71, is also the subject of an upcoming two-part documentary, George Carlins American Dream, which debuts on HBO Max later this month: By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. ", 8. "Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist. George Carlin : And I'll guarantee you one thing: you start executing, you start nailing one white banker per week to a big wooden cross on national TV, you're gonna see that drug traffic begin to slow down pretty fucking quick. They own all the important land. "Everybody's been mad at me, cause I haven't been on the f**king, y'know, the gravy train of these candidates, especially Joe Biden and Harris. ""Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? Occupy Wall Street activist completely SLAMS FOX News | An unaired interviewfootage, Brand spanking new memes of Bernie Sanders at theInauguration, Bernie Sanders as Grogu (Baby Yoda) from TheMandalorian, The best of Bernie Sanders memes from BidensInauguration, Obama was better at everything Video comparison Obama vstrump, Lindsey Graham states that African Americans can go anywhere in SC as long as theyre conservative, The best description of trump Ive seenyet, Woman with Fake Boobs Larger than Watermelons - Seriously, she's a Z-cup, Houston TX Officer on Trial for Stealing Food from Fridge, The Princeton Random Generator that "predicted" 9/11, The Top 20 Things You Can Say to Irritate a Republican, Popular Toys and Games from the 1970s and 1980s, The Return of Debtors' Prisons - SLUniverse Forums. YSC cookie is set by Youtube and is used to track the views of embedded videos on Youtube pages. The Romantic Comedy You Should Watch This Valentines Day, Based On Your ZodiacSign, Valentines Day Streaming Guide: The Best Rom-Coms To Binge On Netflix, HBO Max, AndMore, How Narcissists Use Dog Whistling To Covertly Abuse You: Signs Of This Dangerous ManipulationMethod, 11 Christmas Movies To Watch If Youre Dealing With Heartbreak Over TheHolidays. Whats that, a bonus? Thats what the owners count on. ", 47. Its called fucking with people! ", 2. "It's important in life if you don't give a s**t. It can help you a lot. Everybody says they suck. Theyre all in favor of the unborn. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. "So, have a little fun. I think. This is one of the greatest social and political commentaries of the modern era. Most are only interested in self pleasures and bad habits. It even sparked a legal case with the U.S. Supreme Court! In the footage from his 1996 HBO special, Back In Town, Carlin tears into the pro-life movement: Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to 9 months. He died from heart failure in 2008, survived by his second wife Sally Wade, and his daughter, Kelly. So we are going to have to do lots of things different as a Black community," Ice Cube said in a video shared on Twitter on October 11. Your culture and entertainment cheat-sheet. Obedience, respect for authority. You'd have people tuning in don't even care about football! 42. "There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. 3 queens who slayed while imitating Rep. George Santoss drag alter ego, Kitara Rivache, Libs Of TikTok's Chaya Raichik & Nikki Haley gave CPAC speeches to mostly empty rooms, Tennessee issues trans healthcare ban & nation's first drag ban. "Everyone smiles in the same language. Carlin had 14 comedy specials, several published books and CDs, 5 Grammy awards, many TV and movie roles, and the title of being the first-ever host of Saturday Night Live, all under his belt. In 1972, he was arrested for violating obscenity laws after his infamous comedy sketch, 7 Words You Can Never Say On Television. George Carlin Philosophy, Real, Lying 192 Copy quote I've set my own rules to live by. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary". OK? Keep your circle small. ", 24. ", 69. 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. "When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. This anonymous data helps us to better understand users' needs and customize the website accordingly. You probably know what pinkwashing and queerbaiting are, but how about abrosexual and multisexual? ", 65. ", 7. She writes about astrology, games, love, relationships, and entertainment. '", 93. Change), You are commenting using your Facebook account. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.' George Carlin Believe, Government, Rules To Live By 48 Copy quote Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Chartbeat sets this cookie to store information about when a visitor has visited the site before. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence? George Carlin, If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isnt the whole airplane made out of that stuff? Weve also included some of his sketches from YouTube, viral videos of jokes you might have heard once or twice before. "Laugh often, long and loud. "Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. 234. ""The owners of this country know the truth: It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. Theres a nice campaign slogan for somebody: The Public Sucks. This cookie is used by Akamai to optimize site security by distinguishing between humans and bots. YouTube sets this cookie via embedded youtube-videos and registers anonymous statistical data. "But what I want them to know is that Im thinking. "Careful, if you think too much, theyll take you away. If youre preborn, youre fine; if youre preschool, youre fucked. Politicians don't care about you. "Governments don't want well-informed, well-educated people capable of critical thinking. George Carlin, Meow means woof in cat. George Carlin, When youre born you get a ticket to the freak show. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Maybe something else sucks around here like, the public. The cookie, set by Krux Digital, registers a unique ID that identifies a returning user's device. Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet. It will not be with jack-boots. ", 85. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? ""I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. Thats what the owners count on, Carlin intones. ", 34. Honestly, I'd lean towards anarchist. "Conservatives say if you dont give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. The uuid2 cookie is set by AppNexus and records information that helps in differentiating between devices and browsers. ", 106. "If you cant say something nice about a person, go ahead. They dont want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking. Cookie associated with embedding content from Snapchat. It will be Nike sneakers and smiley shirts George Carlin, I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker. George Carlin, I dont like ass kissers, flag wavers, or team players. He was as prolific as he was profound, with a career spanning nearly five decades, 23 albums, 14 HBO specials, 130 Tonight Show appearances and three books (plus posthumous releases). This cookie is used as a unique identifier for the BlueConic profile. ", 81. "Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. Teach them to question what they read. Change). Jesse Kelly wanted to whip his followers into homophobic outrage, but it sure AF didnt work. "'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc. ", 4. ", 97. On June 24, 2022, the U.S. Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade and ended a women's constitutional right to an abortion in the country. "If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. ""Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. They say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain,' but where's the logic in that? The great George Carlin once said in an interview that he divorced himself from concerns and problems from the world. "War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class men off to die. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. George Carlin, Religion has actually convinced people that theres an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. Try spelling Evian backward. No nothing! ""George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. ", 92. "I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. "If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both f**ked. ", 20. Chartbeat sets this cookie to store the original referrer for the site visitor.